


coping skills

by strawberrv



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Blow Jobs, Dry Humping, Eating Disorders, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Photography, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Fingering, just mentioned !
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 12:42:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20026000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrv/pseuds/strawberrv
Summary: kihyun is coping.his number one coping method, unfortunately, is changkyun.





	coping skills

**Author's Note:**

> hi uh.... throws this at you ???  
ddjknjkndw i know this is so out of the blue and random but !! a snake called taz BIT me... injected me w changki venom and its lethal :/ im sorry if this isnt what u wanted from me but i'll be back w more nct soon !   
no playlist for this but the song i kept listening to while writing was i wanna get better by bleachers !!  
don't know if i'm completely happy w how this came out but at least it broke my writer's block!  
again, small tw for eating disorders, but it's really just mentioned briefly. also kihyuns trans in this uhhh enjoy !

kihyun is coping.

his number one coping method, unfortunately, is changkyun.

it didn’t used to be like this. at the beginning of this academic year, changkyun was just some freshman; changkyun from lit. he had some wince-inducingly faux-feminist opinions on the bronte sisters, and the most thought kihyun gave to him was a few precise and accurate counter-arguments to earn participation points in class. and to shut him up; he has this way of mumbling that kihyun can’t stand. he’s a music major, because of course he is, and he’s painfully shy, a silently suffering angst-ridden rich kid, with edgy painted nails and glasses with fake lenses and real silver frames. he’s morose and introspective, not as smart as he thinks he is, and looking to have the _full_ college experience, or whatever distorted, romanticized version of it he came up with during his no doubt sheltered childhood. in other words, he’s a certified, cage-free, grass-fed, organic distraction.

“let me blow you,” kihyun pants, already getting on his knees in the cramped space of the photography room. his shoes squeak as he crowds them back into the space where the wall meets the floor, and his feet are going to cramp but he’s not moving, not when changkyun’s hard in his pants and inches from his nose.

“sure,” changkyun says, voice low and ragged, and he waits for kihyun to undo his button and zipper. he’s lazy, inexperienced, but kihyun doesn’t care; the rewards of intimacy are too sweet for him to be picky.

changkyun is thick if nothing else, and kihyun finds what pleasure he can in the stretch of his jaw as he takes him. changkyun moans from above, the sound in conjunction with the dull _thunk_ of his head hitting the wall. kihyun fits his lips over his teeth, pressing his tongue along veins and the ridge of the head. he puts a hand on changkyun’s thigh for stability, and he’s so _warm,_ like a furnace, under kihyun’s anemic extremities. changkyun’s own clumsy fingers thread through kihyun’s hair, which he will tolerate for exactly sixty seconds and no longer. kihyun can’t deepthroat — his gag reflex still oversensitive from his bulimia stint in high school — but he can hollow his cheeks, he can lap at the head, he can look up through his eyelashes in the way he knows is sexy and submissive and gets guys off.

changkyun’s sixty seconds are up. kihyun reaches up and grips his wrist, gently moving his hand away, and changkyun is too distracted to be disobedient, so it’s fine. he’s sweaty under the dim light of the room, head turned away and eyes squeezed shut. his jaw is working silently, moans suppressed but just barely. kihyun swirls his tongue up the side of his shaft, moving back to press it flat to his slit before taking him again, and changkyun bangs his fist softly into the wall behind him and comes in kihyun’s mouth.

changkyun’s come is salty and thick because he eats like shit, and when he’s done kihyun blindly grabs the trashcan beside him and spits into it. he stands up, knees cracking, and he was right, his feet are cramped. he stumbles a little and changkyun catches him by the elbow, which kihyun quickly shakes off, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“do you want me to — to uh,” changkyun mumbles, tucking himself back into his pants, and kihyun sighs.

“no, it’s fine, just — here,” he moves closer, unbuttoning his own jeans and shimmying them down his hips.

“just your hand is fine.”

changkyun’s singular attempt at performing cunnilingus on kihyun had been disappointing at best; kihyun had to fake it just to get it to _end._ changkyun had kept insisting he could do it better, just move his hips up more, there, does that feel good? how about now? has he heard of the alphabet technique, should he try it? no to all of the above, thank you.

but changkyun gets pouty when kihyun doesn’t get off, like he feels guilty or assumes kihyun will take it personally. if only he knew how impersonal this is for kihyun.

changkyun fits his hand into kihyun’s underwear with no sense regarding foreplay or teasing, but it’s fine, kihyun’s wet enough, whatever. he fits his fingers into the slick flesh, trying to get his bearings, and kihyun watches him pull his lip between his teeth in concentration. it’s almost cute, in that naive, earnest way changkyun can pull off sometimes. 

kihyun starts when changkyun’s ring finger brushes his dick, hands automatically jumping to changkyun’s shoulders. he’s wearing some kind of knit sweater kihyun would hate under better lighting, and it’s rough under his palms.

changkyun says, “sorry,” and waits.

“go ‘head,” kihyun says after a second.

changkyun is decent with his hands, if his technique is a bit strange, fitting kihyun’s dick between his knuckles and moving his whole hand back and forth. it works, though, and kihyun sighs, relaxing into changkyun’s shoulder, just a little.

kihyun wouldn’t mind talking during if changkyun were a better conversationalist, but as it stands they’re silent, only mild breathing and heat filling the room. kihyun moves his hips when he decides he can handle more stimulation, and changkyun takes his cue to go a bit faster, applying more pressure. kihyun lets his breath puff out against changkyun’s neck, and he doesn’t remember how they got so close, but here they are, with kihyun’s hands still on his shoulders. changkyun gathers more wetness with his fingers, and kihyun makes a noise of vague warning as they briefly dip inside him.

“i know, sorry,” changkyun huffs out, his free hand patting the small of kihyun’s back. he leaves it there. kihyun rests his forehead in the crook of changkyun’s neck as his breath starts coming faster. his grip is white knuckled on the knit of the sweater.

“you can — more,” kihyun pants, hitching his leg up on changkyun’s hip, shin resting against the wall there. changkyun holds him more securely around his waist, and moves his hand ever faster. kihyun moans, muffled to his own ears, hips jerking of their own accord. changkyun's warmth is seeping fast into kihyun’s belly, curling there and pulling him tight, then tighter. the heel of changkyun’s hand is resting on his pubic bone as he strokes, and kihyun can feel the sweat gathering everywhere.

he squeezes changkyun’s shoulders to indicate that he’s close, and changkyun noses at the crown of his head. kihyun squeezes his eyes shut, and as changkyun’s knuckles move forward again, he comes, every muscle tensing briefly, probably pulling a few holes into changkyun’s sweater, oops. his knee presses painfully into the wall, and he can feel changkyun’s collarbone against his cheek as he works him through it, as kihyun’s abdomen contracts again and again.

he weakly hits changkyun’s shoulder when he’s had enough, and the latter pulls his hand out, knuckles and fingers shining and slick. kihyun pulls back, putting both feet unsteadily on the floor again. he grimaces as he pulls his underwear and pants back up, the material sticking to him uncomfortably.

changkyun smooths the front of his sweater, and awkwardly maneuvers by kihyun out of the room to the bathroom across the hall. kihyun knocks his head back against the door behind him, still trying to get his breath back. 

it didn’t used to be like this.

x

minhyuk had dragged kihyun out to a party at one of the sorority houses, sigma nu sigma delta, and kihyun had been prickly about it, even more so than usual. minhyuk is always saying he needs to get out more, to let off steam, perpetually concerned but hiding it well. they went to high school together, and while minhyuk was flourishing in various extracurricular activities, he made sure to keep kihyun close, tugging him along even while he tried to become too sharp to touch.

kihyun’s grateful, really, even if he can’t always bring himself to show it. and he’s doing better now. it’s his junior year, and he’s going to get his degree in digital photography, and he’s taking his meds, and he’s doing better.

or, he should be.

it’s not a big deal, it’s not like he’s about to relapse or drop out or kill himself, but he’s just, kind of, dissatisfied. like, story of his life, but still. food’s a little harder to eat, and it’s not as easy to get up for class, etcetera. so, he was slipping, and minhyuk noticed, and then he was at that party, scanning the main room with a drink in hand, and there he was.

changkyun from lit.

in the corner, sipping a beer, with his black nails reflecting light. he was wearing his stupid glasses, with a turtleneck and dress pants (???), and he’d looked so pathetically out of place that kihyun had taken pity.

they chatted about wuthering heights for twenty minutes, and then kihyun gave him a handjob in the upstairs bathroom. there had been the usual awkwardness when changkyun asked how to reciprocate — kihyun laughing nervously and hurriedly coming out, prepared for the worst as always, but changkyun had just… smiled. nodded.

said, “oh, ok.”

and asked again.

and kihyun, softened from the alcohol, from the closeness, just a little bit charmed and feeling lucky in that shy, pathetic way, smiled back.

x

he’s pretty sure that changkyun thinks they’re friends with benefits, and that minhyuk thinks they’re just friends, and that’s all just fine with kihyun.

he’s coping, after all.

x

“how much longer?” hyungwon asks, moving into a new pose on the wall of the fountain as kihyun crouches in front of him.

“um, not much? you have plans or something?” kihyun asks, adjusting the white balance again.

“no,” hyungwon says. kihyun rolls his eyes. usually he wouldn’t join forces with a microbio major under any circumstances, but they met through minhyuk, and they have a good thing going — instagram pictures in exchange for assignments.

“i’ve seen you hanging around with… chanhyun.”

kihyun’s fingers stutter over the focus.

“changkyun?”

“that’s the one,” hyungwon puts his hand to his forehead, pretending to gaze at something in the middle distance. kihyun takes the shot.

“what about it?” he asks, maybe a little defensive.

“just nice to see you acting like a human, i suppose.”

kihyun scoffs; as if hyungwon’s one to talk about _humanity._

“in what sense?”

hyungwon shrugs.

“minhyuk said he’s worried about you… so it’s nice.”

kihyun swallows.

“yeah, well, tell him changkyun isn’t taking his spot any time soon.”

hyungwon says, “hmm,” and they don’t talk again until kihyun lets him pick the picture he likes for instagram.

“he’s a good kid, you know,” hyungwon says offhandedly as he slings his messenger bag over his shoulder.

kihyun frowns, “how would you know?”

“he’s minoring in bio. i see him around.”

“oh,” kihyun says.

“if you’re telling me not to break his heart, you can chill, it’s not anything serious.”

hyungwon smiles politely.

“sure.”

x

“you’re so hot,” changkyun mumbles into kihyun’s neck, pressing him into the mattress. kihyun wraps his legs around changkyun’s waist, drawing him nearer.

“so handsome,” changkyun says, rolling his hips down; they haven’t taken any clothes off. kihyun moans, but above changkyun’s head he’s blinking, listening.

“you’re so, so attractive.”

kihyun presses his fingers into the back of changkyun’s neck, halting him.

“what are you doing?”

changkyun pulls back, dazed.

“i’m… i was just. sorry.”

kihyun shakes his head.

“it’s fine, i was just. if you think you have to say that because i’m —”

“no, no, it wasn’t like that,” changkyun interrupts, saving kihyun from having to say it. he bows his head, pressing a soft kiss to kihyun’s collarbone.

“i’m sorry,” he says, low, calming.

kihyun shakes his head again, and he relaxes his hold, but his heart is still beating fast.

“it’s fine.” he smooths the hair at the nape of changkyun’s neck.

they resume, dry humping until kihyun gets bored and pushes changkyun off, letting him watch as kihyun gets himself off. it’s fine.

x

changkyun isn’t in class. it’s not that kihyun cares, but. he just notices. that’s all. because they have an exam coming up, so. he notices.

and, of course, it’s because of the exam that kihyun makes sure his notes are neater than usual, readable and clear. no other reason. if he happens across changkyun on campus later, and he’s feeling generous, maybe he’ll offer them. it’s a common courtesy, especially if changkyun’s been sick.

he doesn’t text kihyun to hookup over the weekend, so kihyun assumes that’s the case, and he gets a little antsy, waiting. it’s the lack of sex, is what he tells himself. he’s like, imbalanced. 

not imbalanced enough to render him unable of figuring out which class changkyun has the morning before lit, so kihyun wakes up early and makes his way to the music hall, and it’s not until he’s standing in front of the classroom changkyun’s presumably in that he considers himself. his throat is dry with the crisp morning air, and he’s made a dent in his notebook.

he can’t draw a coherent conclusion about these things, though, because the door is opening and he steps aside reflexively, a slightly startled looking music student brushing past him. changkyun is the last one out, dragging his feet, because of course he is, and kihyun’s arms automatically snap out in front of him, the corner of his notebook poking changkyun in the chest.

changkyun looks up, eyes wide behind his stupid fake glasses, and he says, “oh, hey.”

his voice is lower than usual, and kihyun realizes they almost never see each other in the mornings, because changkyun leaves early when he stays over in kihyun’s room.

“hey,” kihyun responds. he clears his throat.

“you missed class last week. so.”

changkyun looks down at the notebook, a wash of understanding over his face. he brings a hand up, gripping the blue cover.

“wow, thank you, that’s really nice.”

kihyun steals his hands back like he’s been burned, shaking them out at his sides. he shrugs quickly, crossing his arms.

“well we have that exam tomorrow, so.”

changkyun nods, flipping through the notebook.

“your handwriting is really nice,” he mumbles, always with the mumbling, and kihyun shrugs again. it’s strange talking to changkyun in like, broad daylight.

“ok, well i have. a prior engagement,” kihyun says, somehow managing to make it sound even more like a lie than he thought it would.

changkyun nods. “alright. talk to you later?”

kihyun says, “yeah,” and power walks out of the music hall.

x

hyungwon cancelled. something about a crisis in the lab, whatever. kihyun is bitter, and he’s going to take ugly pictures of him next time. but for now, he has no model.

**kihyun yoohoo**  
_can you model today? hyungwon bailed._

**min(goofy voice)HYUCK**  
_no can do babyyyy i have to cram for calc in the library_

**min(goofy voice)HYUCK**  
_ask changkyun ;DDDDDDDD_

**kihyun yoohoo**  
_i hope you fail._

**min(goofy voice)HYUCK**  
_uwu_

the crime of being an annoying fucker aside, kihyun fears minhyuk may actually have had a good idea. or at least, an idea. kihyun doesn’t really know anyone else on campus, so, it was only a matter of time before he came to this conclusion on his own.

he bites his lip as he opens changkyun’s contact.

**kihyun**  
_do you have this afternoon free?_

**changkyun**  
_sure, your dorm or mine?_

**kihyun**  
_actually it’s for an assignment lol. i need a model._

**changkyun**  
_oh._

**changkyun**  
_ok. where do you wanna meet?_

changkyun photographs well. kihyun had very vaguely registered that changkyun isn’t bad looking sometime when he’d been panting against the bathroom counter at the sigma nu sigma delta house, but it’s not really something he actively thinks about. changkyun just. looks like changkyun.

through the lens of kihyun’s dslr, however, he’s a little different. or maybe kihyun is just seeing him with new eyes. regardless, yeah, he photographs well. his nose cuts a nice line against the sky when he turns in profile. kihyun made him take off his glasses, saying they would mess with the light, but really he just wanted to see him without them.

changkyun’s a little awkward, not really sure how to pose, but the pictures come out best when he’s not trying.

“here, why don’t you just, like, talk to me,” kihyun suggests; usually people relax when they’re telling a story or explaining something, forgetting the camera for a few moments. changkyun laughs nervously.

“uh, like about what?”

kihyun squints at his mode dial. he shrugs.

“write any music lately?” when he looks at the viewfinder, changkyun’s gone pink.

“oh, uh,” he shuffles his feet.

“kind of. a little bit.”

kihyun waits.

“like, there’s this one song where i used, um, this really distorted synth, and then played it backwards? ‘cause i wanted it to sound really eerie, i guess.”

kihyun hums, already disinterested, switching to burst mode and taking a roll.

“did you get a good grade?”

changkyun shifts again, shoving his hands in his pockets and drawing his shoulders up to his ears.

“i didn’t turn that one in for a grade. i just like making my own stuff.”

kihyun throws him a “cool,” and lets him keep rambling about time signatures and how empty he feels modern rap music has become for the next ten minutes, trying a few different angles. changkyun isn’t tall, so the only way he looks sort of dignified is if kihyun crouches while he shoots, catching the overcast sky behind him. the assignment this week is _trend,_ and kihyun thinks perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that hyungwon cancelled, because he’s already coming up with a spiel about how changkyun embodies the new generation, blah blah blah.

“do you ever take pictures of yourself for these?” changkyun asks suddenly. kihyun misses the shutter button.

“um. no,” he says, and readjusts the focus for no reason.

changkyun lifts his chin, contemplative. it’s a nice shot.

“you should. like, you know what looks good anyway, right? it’d be easy.”

kihyun wets his lips, makes a weak attempt at a chuckle.

“i guess i prefer um. i think i just like being behind the camera. more control.”

changkyun nods, still looking at the sky.

“that makes sense.”

then, the clouds unseam.

“oh,” kihyun says, blinking as raindrops splatter on his lens. he stands and quickly makes his way over to his camera bag, hastily shoving the dslr in and zipping it up.

“ah, bad luck!” changkyun says in a strangely shakespearean manner, but sounding genuinely apologetic.

“it’s fine, i think i got plenty,” kihyun says, throwing the strap of his bag over his head and tightening it across his chest. changkyun’s looking at him.

“what?” kihyun asks, a little snappy.

changkyun shakes his head and comes over, lifting the shoulder of his jacket halfway over kihyun’s head.

“you’ll catch a cold,” he says, and there’s something very… casual about it. familiar, almost. not quite deja vu, not that they’ve done this before, because they haven’t, but… maybe that they should have. or could have. changkyun’s not taller than him, but he’s sort of broad, and as usual, he’s warm, heat pressing against the back of kihyun’s neck as he stands close. kihyun shudders, goosebumps raising on his arms. his lips part without his permission, tongue unsticking from the roof of his mouth.

“did you wanna get something to eat?” 

his heart pounds, and he’s already kicking himself, but he watches changkyun carefully, who blinks in surprise, seeming to consider for a moment.

“why not?”

x

like the overgrown boy he is, changkyun leads the way to a diner a couple blocks off campus; breakfast for dinner. and in the greatest faux pas kihyun has experienced since minhyuk started eating his cake before he did at his fifteenth birthday party, changkyun sits on the same side of the booth as him.

kihyun coughs in pure shock as he’s forced to scoot closer to the wall, sliding his sticky menu with him across the table. he swallows down an incredulous exclamation, forcing himself to evaluate his meal options. 

changkyun gets an overly sweet looking crepe with a side of hashbrowns, and kihyun orders an omelette and a fruit cup. it’s awkward, but in the way that it’s only awkward for kihyun and not so much for changkyun, probably. kihyun fiddles with his utensils, pulling them out of the napkin and lining them up next to the rack of various flavored syrups.

“i didn’t know you were a photography major,” changkyun says, watching kihyun readjust the distance between his fork and knife again. kihyun shrugs.

“yeah, i guess it hasn’t really come up.”

changkyun hums, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with a knuckle.

“why do you like taking pictures?”

kihyun frowns, moving his spoon to match its brethren.

“i guess uh… i’ve always liked it? like, when i was little i’d always be in charge of the snapshot camera on vacations. i guess i like it because, like, you can make anything look how you want it to? some people are into, um, capturing things exactly as they are, like they’re getting to the truth of the matter somehow, just by capturing the image,” he sighs, satisfied with his silverware.

“but, to me at least, it’s a way of, um, manipulating reality? you can make ugly things beautiful and beautiful things ugly with the right angle and lighting.”

he shrugs again, sipping his water.

“why?”

changkyun looks away, and kihyun registers that he must have been looking this whole time.

“i like hearing people talk about their passions,” he says, and kihyun has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. there he is again, changkyun from lit, a little pretentious.

“really.”

“yeah,” changkyun says, but then his smile turns a little sheepish.

“and i was just curious.” 

kihyun takes another sip to hide his smile. cute, again, in that earnest way.

they don’t talk while they eat, but changkyun starts up again once they’ve finished, and when he’s not being changkyun from lit, just changkyun isn’t too bad. kihyun finds himself mostly entertained, and then he finds himself leaning in, laughing at a joke changkyun makes, and he abruptly yanks on the reigns, snapping his mouth shut, clearing his throat.

“you ok?” changkyun asks, still smiling.

“yeah, sorry, something in my throat,” kihyun replies, and he falters when he realizes he’s drained all his water.

“here,” changkyun rumbles from beside him, sliding his own still half-full glass into kihyun’s hand.

“thanks,” kihyun says vaguely, trying to breathe as he brings it to his mouth. 

this is bad. he doesn’t know what he’s doing; why he initiated this outing in the first place. he — he just wanted to pay changkyun back for the favor, is all. and it’s not like he _hates_ the guy, they can hang out outside of sex.

kihyun winces, hearing how that sounds in his head. this is _really_ bad, that’s — that’s crossing a line, definitely. almost as bad as, like, kissing for the sake of kissing. kihyun shudders.

as he sets changkyun’s glass back down, he recognizes the taste of changkyun’s mouth in his mouth, and — god, he’s _not_ going to have a crisis in this diner. luckily, the waiter saves them, bringing the check over and clearing their plates. changkyun has his wallet out before kihyun can get his wits about him again, and as they make their way to the counter kihyun says,

“i can —”

“i got it,” changkyun says, casual, obvious, a little amused. that’s right, changkyun — or, his parents, more accurately — is rich, and kihyun feels foolish for even offering. 

kihyun is distracted on the walk back to campus, and changkyun must be able to tell, because he doesn’t force any small talk, doesn’t offer to walk kihyun to his dorm; they part ways where they should, and there are no lingering moments, and kihyun does not look back. fine. it’s fine.

x

kihyun, figuring some distance would do them good, turns down changkyun’s next request for a hookup, and does his best to focus on his courses. this, of course, is a terrible idea, because kihyun’s courses are easy, so he spends most of his time being sexually dissatisfied and therefore cranky.

“you’re cranky,” minhyuk says, eyeing kihyun from across the cafe table.

“i’m not cranky,” kihyun lies from the other side of the cafe table.

“you are,” minhyuk argues, bending over a notebook with pages spilling out, various formulas inked into them.

“i’m giving myself five guesses.”

kihyun scoffs.

“that’s hardly a challenge; three.”

minhyuk spins his pen over his fingers.

“five. changkyun was experimenting with his sexuality, decided he’s straight.”

“three, but a _very_ interesting theory.”

“i know, right? i’ve been thinking that for a little while. hmm, changkyun just broke it off? reasons unknown?”

kihyun rolls his eyes, “as if he has the guts. you have one more guess.”

minhyuk chews on his lip.

“ok, your crankiness is changkyun-detached; it’s dysphoria or something,” he looks impressed with himself, triumphant smile crinkling his eyes, only to fall when kihyun waves his latte dismissively.

“a valiant effort, but alas, no dice.”

minhyuk sighs miserably, crossing out a line of the problem he’s been solving.

“request to the court, one more guess?”

“on what grounds?”

“i’m bored?”

kihyun sighs. “proceed.”

“ok, so not post-changkyun depression, but not not changkyun-related… very interesting…” minhyuk taps his pen to his chin, leaning back in his chair. kihyun takes a sip of his latte, and he’s swallowing when minhyuk’s chair legs clatter to the floor. kihyun looks up; minhyuk’s jaw is hanging open, and he’s dropped his pen.

“no. no _way.”_ kihyun frowns, crossing his arms defensively.

“what, no way?”

minhyuk closes his mouth, but a smug smile is creeping over his face. kihyun hates when minhyuk is smug — smugness looks ugly on him. kihyun is the keeper of smugness in this relationship.

_“what,”_ he asks again.

minhyuk picks up his pen, looks at kihyun as if seeing him for the first time.

“i never thought i’d see the day. you caught _fucking_ feelings, kihyun yoo.”

kihyun freezes, but he carefully leaves his expression blank, impassive.

“don’t be ridiculous.”

“oh my _god_ you did. what the fuck. what the fuck. who are you and what have you done with my best friend? he’s five-eight, dark hair, sociopathic?”

“i will pour my coffee on your calculus homework.”

minhyuk snatches his notebook up and shoves it in his bag between his feet, but his expression remains bright.

“wow. _wow._ what is it about him? did he, like, write a song about you? is his dick huge? did he pay off your student loans?”

minhyuk’s eyebrows turn up in patronizing sympathy.

“is it the nose?”

kihyun begins removing the lid from his latte and minhyuk yelps, putting his hands up in surrender. kihyun shakes his hair out of his eyes.

“i am literally not talking about this with you.”

“you don’t have to! frankly, i’m just happy to know you have the capacity for love. i mean, like, ding dong the witch is dead, am i right? oh my god, i have to text hyungwon.”

x

another reason taking a break from changkyun is a terrible idea: kihyun is completely unprepared the next time they see each other.

it’s in the student union, and changkyun is wearing an yves saint laurent graphic tee and blue sweatpants tucked _into_ tube socks with combat boots and a newsboy cap, and he looks so fucking hideous, and kihyun has to fuck him, like, he _has_ to.

while changkyun fingers him on the table in the darkroom, standing between his legs, kihyun pants hot carbon dioxide down his back with his chin on his shoulder, clutching at the overpriced material of his shirt, thinking.

the sharp scent of developer solution is burning his nostrils, but he can’t bury his nose in changkyun’s shirt, both because it costs over a thousand dollars and because it smells like changkyun, which will overwhelm kihyun in a multitude of ways. he can’t even bring himself to look at changkyun; his grip is white-knuckled at his back, pressing him so close so that all kihyun can see is dark, messy hair. changkyun had looked so intense under the red light while they kissed, the line of his nose reflecting it, his gaze so nonchalant, so prepared, his lips swollen over his teeth. kihyun couldn’t handle it. he couldn’t breathe.

and it’s not that it’s much better now, with changkyun’s hand in his underwear, but kihyun — is coping.

and when kihyun comes, gasping into the red darkness of the room, breathing in chemicals and shaking under changkyun’s hands, he wonders how his coping method became something he needs to cope with.

x

kihyun gives himself nine days. in nine days, it’ll be friday, their next exam will be over, and kihyun will know for sure.

x

changkyun texts him twice. kihyun doesn’t reply.

x

it’s friday. kihyun doesn’t know for sure. he sits in his dorm, on his bed, changkyun’s contact open on his phone.

“ok,” he says out loud, because he has a single room and he’s a crazy person.

changkyun answers almost right away.

“hey,” he says, normal.

“hi.” kihyun says.

“you should come over.”

“i should?”

“yeah.”

a beat.

“alright.”

they hang up.

x

kihyun kisses changkyun as soon as he’s through the doorway, not keen on wasting time. he holds off for two minutes, doing their usual tongue kissing with too much spit, before he lets himself give in.

he leads changkyun to the bed, and he allows himself, finally, to cross all of his invisible boundaries. he pulls up his sleeves and reaches deep into the cookie jar, threading his fingers through changkyun’s hair, kissing changkyun without tongue, inhaling, inhaling, breathing him in and letting himself hold it in his lungs. changkyun smells a little woodsy, like shaving cream, sort of, like books. he tastes like greek food.

kihyun tilts his head the other way between kisses, and changkyun’s nose presses into his cheek, but kihyun lets them fit together, for once.

changkyun’s fingers dip beneath the hem of kihyun’s shirt, and he pulls away in response.

changkyun blinks at him, hazy and confused.

“is everything ok?” and he’s really asking, kihyun can tell, he can tell that changkyun can tell that something’s different.

“just kiss me,” kihyun demands, petulant like a child, like a troublesome customer at the drive-thru he used to work at — burger with no meat, please. he wants to shake as he breaks the only rule, as he waits for a rejection that changkyun refuses to give, but he doesn’t. he’s still.

“ok,” is what he says, _ok,_ and kihyun — kihyun’s so mad at him, so angry that changkyun is here, willing, eyes sincere, ready to bend and obey, tolerant under kihyun’s unpredictable rule. kihyun pushes his shoulder roughly, not hard enough to knock him completely back, but changkyun lays down anyway, and his hair makes a rosewood halo on the pillow.

he looks at kihyun with dark, patient eyes.

kihyun grabs his wrist, pulling him back up, and changkyun sits, arm limp in kihyun’s grip. his brows are furrowed, but not in anger or frustration, just… curiosity. kihyun has his full attention; he’s waiting to see what happens next. 

“just kiss me,” kihyun says again, releasing changkyun’s wrist.

“ok,” changkyun says again.

he crosses his legs underneath him, scooting closer on the mattress. he looks kihyun in the eye, cups his jaw with both hands. he tilts kihyun’s head ever so slightly, and kisses him.

it’s not just different because it’s slow, it’s different because changkyun is leading. he’s kissing kihyun the way _he_ thinks they should be kissing. but it’s also slow. their lips are barely touching, sliding against each other soundlessly. changkyun opens his jaw a little, and then kisses him again. kihyun shut his eyes automatically, but he opens them, now. and he realizes changkyun isn’t wearing his glasses.

and he’s sure.

he brings his own hands up to changkyun’s face, index fingers rubbing behind his ears, and closes his eyes again. and they kiss. and kihyun lets himself enjoy it.

they don’t fuck, they don’t get off, they kiss for two hours, and then pass out in kihyun’s bed.

kihyun wakes up with a pounding heart, a tight chest. changkyun’s arm is tossed over him. right. fuck.

kihyun gets up, shaking, immediately thinking back to what happened. he looks at himself in the mirror, and he’s mad at himself. he’s reflexively embarrassed, feeling like an idiot. this isn’t — it isn’t a _thing_ that kihyun’s in love with changkyun from lit. it isn’t. it can’t be.

kihyun scrubs his face and pulls his t-shirt off, deciding to shower and clear his head. he leaves the water cold.

when he gets out, his reflection looks just the same.

kihyun clambers back under the covers, shivering, a mess of freezing limbs. his hair is still dripping wet and his teeth are chattering and he’s just wearing his underwear, and changkyun rouses at the movement. 

“hey,” he mumbles, barely intelligible. his arm goes around kihyun’s shoulder, almost so hot it burns.

kihyun doesn’t look at the clock, doesn’t reply, he just lays his head on changkyun’s shoulder, lays his head on changkyun’s shoulder, listens to his heart, readjusts, and stares at the ceiling, waiting for his own heart to stop beating so fast.

“j-just for tonight,” he manages to stutter out, and he fits his freezing fingers between changkyun’s ribs.

changkyun doesn’t move, not an inch, he just says, “ok. ok. just for tonight.”

minutes pass, stretched out longer than they should last. kihyun, slowly, slowly, moves his hand down until he finds changkyun’s, their temperatures still drastically different. changkyun’s breath pauses under kihyun’s ear.

“it doesn’t have to be, though.”

kihyun swallows.

“like your pictures, remember? you can make anything look how you want it to. if you try.”

kihyun does remember. he squeezes changkyun’s hand, sapping warmth from his palm, and it's familiar, again. they should do this, they could do this.

he says, “ok.”

and he thinks that he is so tired of just coping. he didn’t realize he was lonely until he wasn’t, and now he can’t go back. he saw changkyun from lit at that party, but he doesn’t _want_ changkyun from lit, not anymore. he just wants changkyun. he wants this.

maybe that isn’t so horrible. to want something.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! let me know what you thought ankdnaskj im really curious for other perspectives!
> 
> you can find me on twitter  
[main](https://twitter.com/lookslikerain)  
[fic acc](https://twitter.com/rouxberrv)


End file.
